Checking In

I haven't blogged.  The truth is, I've been wallowing in a self-made puddle of doubt and wtf.  I spent the last couple weeks questioning everything in my life - and I mean everything.  There is nothing in the world like "if" to knock a girl to her knees.

I have a tendency to cycle through a little but of depressive mania every once in a while.  While it makes me and those around me slightly crazy for a bit, it ends up clearing the way for greatness in the months or years to follow.  A strange, deeply hidden part of me likes my down times - I feel so trodden as I sludge through, but so clean in the end. (Before you recommend that I seek help or look for healing - this in not a super regular thing - and - I'm guessing we all have a little of this, I'm not alone.  Maybe I am alone in that I enjoy it...)  I like to replay my life, explore possibilities made impossible by choice.  I like to evaluate what I think could have been so that I can inventory what is and feel the richness of it all.  I like to go down so I can come up.  I find a little bit of pained beauty in it all.

On any other occasion in my life that I have travelled my weedy path, I have had a handful of people to choose from to drag along with me.  My wonderful friends, those that I can invite into the dark because I know they will be there when the lights return - they are now miles and miles away.  Phone calls, emails, not the same.  So, poor Jason.  My stable, even keeled, happy 99% of the time husband just got dragged through the mud with me.  Thankfully I'm completely lovable and adorable -even when off my rocker - so he's still here.  But, for the sake of all things holy - I miss my girls!  This was a great exercise for me to realize the true value of someone that gets you, accepts you, and walks with you.  I think Jason would second that...

Anyway - just a quick soul dump - I have many little things to update the blog about - like my son being in the closet, Lily too, a girl hamster with balls, and a late night call from an ER in Tokyo.  Until next time...


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