Simple Life

About 10 days ago Jaxon and I were leaving our apartment to go to the store.  Jaxon was walking behind me toward the car and I was finishing up a text as we went.  Jaxon says, "Mom, why are you so mad at us all the time?  Did we do something?"  I cannot tell you how awful I felt in that moment, or how much shame and sadness it has caused me since. I'm sharing this tonight because I have to - I have to get all this self poison out so that tomorrow I can wake up lighter.  I have been pretty miserable since we got back - miserable inside and out.  I know this as I write this, with a painful clarity - and I knew it then too.  But then, just days ago, I was wallowing. I was so immersed in myself and my crap that I didn't really care what it was doing to those around me.  Even if I did care, I don't think I was in any place to do anything about it.  Now, I have not had any glorious epiphanies or self-revelations, no onslaught of good fortune to t...

I just spent part of the evening looking through old photo albums with the kids - we're talking non-digital photos, the kind that you had to take and wait for developing to see what you got. There were some pretty awful ones in there!  But I remember that I only took one photo, not wanting to waste expensive film.  Fingers would always be crossed that the one I took was great.  I couldn't wait to see them, pick them up from the photo counter.  Now it is so easy.  Take two or three, keep the best one.  Images live forever on our memory cards and hard drives now, as we just don't take the time to print them out. Anyway, as we were looking at the old photos of Lil and Jax as babies and very small people, they would ask a million questions, expecting me to remember every detail of every event on every page.  I couldn't, but I did my best.  It made me a little sad to look at photos and not remember the moment that they were taken.  I took some n...

Parts of this blog will be hard for me - because I am hard on me - so forgive me if I stumble.  It is no secret that we were kind of broke over in Japan.  We had almost enough money to live on without dipping into credit cards, but not enough if we actually wanted to experience Japan while we were there.  A major factor in deciding to come home was to start making a decent wage again that would allow us to save money, pay off debt, etc. Here's the part I haven't really talked about - due to a weird sense of shame or something like it.  You might think me foolish for feeling badly, but I do even though I can logically explain why I shouldn't.  Here goes - in Japan every person that is legally living in the country gets medical insurance and is able to see a doctor and get meds if needed.  The cost of the insurance is based on your family size and income.  Since we had no income the previous year our insurance cost us about $50 a month.  Had we st...

Alright, so there are some nice things about being back - I'm loving having a clothes dryer and a dishwasher - so, so nice. TV - in English!  Superb! Calling friends and family without worrying about the time difference (although I still stop, try to figure out the time difference, then realize there isn't one) - very nice!  Being able to read labels again is nice to, except for the part that if you can read the label, you know what you are eating - good or bad - so there are no excuses.  It is great to be back in the land of the drink - meaning that I now have a choice of more than one brand of Vodka or wine.  But, buying the spirits in the store while I am picking up a loaf of bread - that's a little weird. Speaking of weird - I am catching myself screwing up daily on the road.  Either I am trying to drive on the wrong side or turning my blinker on when I am looking for my wipers.  Fortunately I have caused no accidents yet!  *Knock-knock.  An...

I've been meaning to post something - something to say that we are alive and well.  We are basically settled in our new place, the kids are registered to start school on Monday, and Jason has begun his new job.  I have an orientation to sub in a local school district next week and an interview for an open, full-time teaching position.  So, yeah, we are basically settled. I miss Japan.  I didn't think I would, at least not yet.  We didn't have much there, just a few friends, our little apartment, and a routine. We had our privacy, our anonymity.  We'll have most of that here as time passes too.  I know that we'll develop our schedules and soon be busier than we'd like, but right now I feel like we are just coasting - floating along waiting for a bump to set us on a course.  We'll meet people and have our friends in this new place, our apartment will soon feel like our home.  I know this, but in the mean time, blah. Jason and I intentionall...