Looking Forward
About 10 days ago Jaxon and I were leaving our apartment to go to the store. Jaxon was walking behind me toward the car and I was finishing up a text as we went. Jaxon says, "Mom, why are you so mad at us all the time? Did we do something?" I cannot tell you how awful I felt in that moment, or how much shame and sadness it has caused me since.
I'm sharing this tonight because I have to - I have to get all this self poison out so that tomorrow I can wake up lighter. I have been pretty miserable since we got back - miserable inside and out. I know this as I write this, with a painful clarity - and I knew it then too. But then, just days ago, I was wallowing. I was so immersed in myself and my crap that I didn't really care what it was doing to those around me. Even if I did care, I don't think I was in any place to do anything about it. Now, I have not had any glorious epiphanies or self-revelations, no onslaught of good fortune to turn my attitude around. But, I did have a sleepover. And that is sometimes just what a girl needs. I was reminded that sometimes we are our own worst critics and all the self talk in the world is going to do me no good as long I keep it negative the way it has been.
I am still feeling pretty dark and angry. One night on the couch of a friend did not enslave all the little soldiers that I feel like I am battling, but it did give me some perspective. I have felt let down - the way you feel the day after Christmas when all the months of preparations and festivities are over in what seems like moments and no one seems to care. The way you feel when you make a nice dinner for someone but they don't show up to eat it. Only, times 10. Being away was glorious in so many ways and coming back just has not lived up to that. I am not going to get into specifics because that isn't the meat of this.
The meat here is that life is what you make of it. You know that, I know that. But, living up to that everyday, it's exhausting. But you know what is more exhausting? The alternative - living everyday angry or sad because life isn't what you want it to be. Now, there is a caveat to this...a balance. Life cannot be thrilling and inspiring every minute. We cannot hope to change the lives of every person we meet, create happiness everywhere we go, have a grand adventure everyday. There has to be down time, time where we are normal people doing normal things. This is my struggle. I have lived the last 18 months in a strange and wonderful adventure and now I am back, out of the looking glass so to speak. I sit here and feel so much envy toward Jason who is off having his next adventure - learning a new role and acclimating to this culture he has been invited into at work. I envy the kids who find joy in simply riding the school bus again and having friends that look like them and that they can speak to. Me - my job right now is maintenance. I'm in the background making sure all systems are running. It's important, and appreciated, I know that, but my god it is mind numbing, depressing, and just so dull. I'm getting out - I'm subbing, and looking for a full time teaching job - but even that, in the face of feeling uninspirable - is not nearly enough.
I'm tired of fighting with myself and feeling so blah. I'm tired of lying when people ask and I say that I am glad to be back. I'm not - but I'm going to change that. I'm going to find something to celebrate everyday - other than the end of the day. I have to. Otherwise Jaxon, Lily, and Jason spend their free time thinking this me is their fault. What I need to do is accept this new normal and find the joy in that. I'm tired of being tired - maintaining misery is miserable. Fortunately, I had a good sleepover with a great friend to start me toward the right track and the repair work can begin tomorrow.
One friend has been a wonderful support during this time - despite being an ocean away. Her last email was all supportive words, positive thoughts, feelings of camaraderie, and she ended with a question that has been burning in my mind - what are you looking forward to? I don't know yet - but I ask you out there - What is it that you are looking forward to? I think that to focus on the answer is to take a step in a positive direction.
I'm sharing this tonight because I have to - I have to get all this self poison out so that tomorrow I can wake up lighter. I have been pretty miserable since we got back - miserable inside and out. I know this as I write this, with a painful clarity - and I knew it then too. But then, just days ago, I was wallowing. I was so immersed in myself and my crap that I didn't really care what it was doing to those around me. Even if I did care, I don't think I was in any place to do anything about it. Now, I have not had any glorious epiphanies or self-revelations, no onslaught of good fortune to turn my attitude around. But, I did have a sleepover. And that is sometimes just what a girl needs. I was reminded that sometimes we are our own worst critics and all the self talk in the world is going to do me no good as long I keep it negative the way it has been.
I am still feeling pretty dark and angry. One night on the couch of a friend did not enslave all the little soldiers that I feel like I am battling, but it did give me some perspective. I have felt let down - the way you feel the day after Christmas when all the months of preparations and festivities are over in what seems like moments and no one seems to care. The way you feel when you make a nice dinner for someone but they don't show up to eat it. Only, times 10. Being away was glorious in so many ways and coming back just has not lived up to that. I am not going to get into specifics because that isn't the meat of this.
The meat here is that life is what you make of it. You know that, I know that. But, living up to that everyday, it's exhausting. But you know what is more exhausting? The alternative - living everyday angry or sad because life isn't what you want it to be. Now, there is a caveat to this...a balance. Life cannot be thrilling and inspiring every minute. We cannot hope to change the lives of every person we meet, create happiness everywhere we go, have a grand adventure everyday. There has to be down time, time where we are normal people doing normal things. This is my struggle. I have lived the last 18 months in a strange and wonderful adventure and now I am back, out of the looking glass so to speak. I sit here and feel so much envy toward Jason who is off having his next adventure - learning a new role and acclimating to this culture he has been invited into at work. I envy the kids who find joy in simply riding the school bus again and having friends that look like them and that they can speak to. Me - my job right now is maintenance. I'm in the background making sure all systems are running. It's important, and appreciated, I know that, but my god it is mind numbing, depressing, and just so dull. I'm getting out - I'm subbing, and looking for a full time teaching job - but even that, in the face of feeling uninspirable - is not nearly enough.
I'm tired of fighting with myself and feeling so blah. I'm tired of lying when people ask and I say that I am glad to be back. I'm not - but I'm going to change that. I'm going to find something to celebrate everyday - other than the end of the day. I have to. Otherwise Jaxon, Lily, and Jason spend their free time thinking this me is their fault. What I need to do is accept this new normal and find the joy in that. I'm tired of being tired - maintaining misery is miserable. Fortunately, I had a good sleepover with a great friend to start me toward the right track and the repair work can begin tomorrow.
One friend has been a wonderful support during this time - despite being an ocean away. Her last email was all supportive words, positive thoughts, feelings of camaraderie, and she ended with a question that has been burning in my mind - what are you looking forward to? I don't know yet - but I ask you out there - What is it that you are looking forward to? I think that to focus on the answer is to take a step in a positive direction.
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