Missing Sister
I just spent part of the evening looking through old photo albums with the kids - we're talking non-digital photos, the kind that you had to take and wait for developing to see what you got. There were some pretty awful ones in there! But I remember that I only took one photo, not wanting to waste expensive film. Fingers would always be crossed that the one I took was great. I couldn't wait to see them, pick them up from the photo counter. Now it is so easy. Take two or three, keep the best one. Images live forever on our memory cards and hard drives now, as we just don't take the time to print them out.
Anyway, as we were looking at the old photos of Lil and Jax as babies and very small people, they would ask a million questions, expecting me to remember every detail of every event on every page. I couldn't, but I did my best. It made me a little sad to look at photos and not remember the moment that they were taken. I took some notes beside pictures, but of course I got tired of that and quit, thinking I didn't need to. I'd always remember, right?
There are photos of many people that are long gone from our lives. Some have died, some have moved away, and others have been removed or removed themselves for some reason. The kids don't understand that last one. In particular, there are photos of my sister, their aunt. She is holding them, smiling. Everyone looks happy. Why, they ask, do they not see her? Why do they not know her? Why do they not know their cousins, her children? As for the reason, I don't know. I can't put my finger on it. I'm actually terrible with details like that. I'm great at getting into arguments and I can hold a grudge for a really long time - but ask me what the grudge is about and I probably won't be able to tell you. So, then, let it go. But, letting it go does not mean all is well again, that person or people are suddenly back. My sister - we stopped talking a long time ago. Then we started talking again, and then it all stopped, again. The kids wanted to know why, when, how. It's totally awful to me that I have this person out there in the world that shares my blood, my history, and while we live in the same state, we are worlds apart.
In all honesty, it is our history that holds us as strangers, as is always the case. Jason has the same problem with a brother of his. Alive, but gone. History, actions taken and words uttered that created a divide that is now seemingly insurmountable. The kids asked me if I want my sister in my life. My answer - I think so. Next they wonder, why don't you just call her? Me - I don't know. There is this barrier - history - that blocks me. It's the unknown. If I could just remember the why's as to how we got here, maybe I could see a way through the history. I am not a warrior - I do not want to return to battles unfinished and wounds unhealed. I worry that the leap, the call, only lands me in painful territory and I don't know if I am brave enough or strong enough for that, at least not now. But the thing is, "not now" has been going on for a long time. Not now has turned into nearly a decade and has a foreseeable life of forever. Now now is a damning amount of time that can run out without warning, leaving you reeling and wondering how not not turned into so, so long.
I used to be ashamed that I had this mixed up, broken family that couldn't keep it together. Now, so many people that I meet are part of a broken family, one that has a missing person, a person that is alive, but gone. Removed by either the family or themselves. How, when did this become normal and okay? I remember discussing having a larger family with Jason a long time ago and one of his thoughts against more kids was, Why? So that we have more likelihood of one of them not talking to us as adults?
I am feeling nostalgic tonight, thinking of my missing sister - she who once loved me so much, and I her. Here's those of you out there that have the bravery to pick up the phone and call, regardless of the history that separates you. As the saying goes, if not now, when?
Anyway, as we were looking at the old photos of Lil and Jax as babies and very small people, they would ask a million questions, expecting me to remember every detail of every event on every page. I couldn't, but I did my best. It made me a little sad to look at photos and not remember the moment that they were taken. I took some notes beside pictures, but of course I got tired of that and quit, thinking I didn't need to. I'd always remember, right?
There are photos of many people that are long gone from our lives. Some have died, some have moved away, and others have been removed or removed themselves for some reason. The kids don't understand that last one. In particular, there are photos of my sister, their aunt. She is holding them, smiling. Everyone looks happy. Why, they ask, do they not see her? Why do they not know her? Why do they not know their cousins, her children? As for the reason, I don't know. I can't put my finger on it. I'm actually terrible with details like that. I'm great at getting into arguments and I can hold a grudge for a really long time - but ask me what the grudge is about and I probably won't be able to tell you. So, then, let it go. But, letting it go does not mean all is well again, that person or people are suddenly back. My sister - we stopped talking a long time ago. Then we started talking again, and then it all stopped, again. The kids wanted to know why, when, how. It's totally awful to me that I have this person out there in the world that shares my blood, my history, and while we live in the same state, we are worlds apart.
In all honesty, it is our history that holds us as strangers, as is always the case. Jason has the same problem with a brother of his. Alive, but gone. History, actions taken and words uttered that created a divide that is now seemingly insurmountable. The kids asked me if I want my sister in my life. My answer - I think so. Next they wonder, why don't you just call her? Me - I don't know. There is this barrier - history - that blocks me. It's the unknown. If I could just remember the why's as to how we got here, maybe I could see a way through the history. I am not a warrior - I do not want to return to battles unfinished and wounds unhealed. I worry that the leap, the call, only lands me in painful territory and I don't know if I am brave enough or strong enough for that, at least not now. But the thing is, "not now" has been going on for a long time. Not now has turned into nearly a decade and has a foreseeable life of forever. Now now is a damning amount of time that can run out without warning, leaving you reeling and wondering how not not turned into so, so long.
I used to be ashamed that I had this mixed up, broken family that couldn't keep it together. Now, so many people that I meet are part of a broken family, one that has a missing person, a person that is alive, but gone. Removed by either the family or themselves. How, when did this become normal and okay? I remember discussing having a larger family with Jason a long time ago and one of his thoughts against more kids was, Why? So that we have more likelihood of one of them not talking to us as adults?
I am feeling nostalgic tonight, thinking of my missing sister - she who once loved me so much, and I her. Here's those of you out there that have the bravery to pick up the phone and call, regardless of the history that separates you. As the saying goes, if not now, when?
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