Anonymous

Jason and I have never been in one place for more than 4 years, give or take a few months. I don’t know the why behind our restless moving, or if the impetus lies more in him or I. We’ve both always talked of travel, living other places, so maybe it is in both of us.


The first place that we moved away to was Oregon. We were living and working in Tigard for just under a year. A job took us there, and, took us back north to the Seattle area. It was while living in Oregon that I discovered how much I love anonymity. I loved being able to go to the store and blend in, with no worry of being noticed or seen. For some reason unexpected run-ins with people I knew started to cause me anxiety - Oregon proved great for that. We knew no one. I dreaded moving back, right into the heart of our childhoods and the place where we were known. Several moves later - now- I look at that and a few things come to mind.


I was insecure in myself then, and therefore insecure in the relationships in my life. Seeing people, interacting, meant preparation for me. The possibility of not being able to prepare was nerve-wrecking. It was almost as if I felt I had to rehearse before seeing someone - to prepare so as not to screw it up. Today, I still prefer advance notice - I’m just not a big fan of stopper-byers. I like definition in my social time and home time, and random stopper-byers blur that line. Now, with all that being said, I often enjoy the visits very much...how is that for a double standard?


Here is another thing that I see, looking back. I was lucky then. I was within proximity to be known. At anytime I could have seen someone I knew, gotten a hug and reassurance that all was well in the world. If I wanted to be alone and anonymous so badly, I could just have driven a town or two away.


Here we are in a place where we are not known at all, but everyone sees us. The kids, Jason, and I cannot go anywhere without being noticed. We are most often greeted with blank stares, a few bows and nods, and the occasional smile. I guess that it just makes you really feel alone in the world when everyone looks at you but no one talks to you. Two days ago I would have given anything to go to the store, only to run into someone I knew. I was feeling super down and lonely. Those feelings are expected in this situation, but no fun nonetheless.


I love where we are. I love the people here - I am surprised everyday. I look forward to gaining some ground with the language so that I can reach out to people and not feel as alone. In the mean time I expect there will be days that a stopper-byer would be the greatest gift in the world.

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