Milestone 4.0

Today was (still is for 3 hours) Jason’s 40th birthday. It was not the grand escapade that I once imagined it would be, but rather a quiet day of continuing to settle into this new life of ours. Other than knowing it was his birthday, nothing was different. I would have loved very much to make it huge, make it special, but in truth, that feels virtually impossible right now. Both he and I are just here. We are just...here. That is all there really is to say about it. We are thrilled, in a calm, serene way, that we are finally back to Japan. We are working, living, building a routine. Believe it or not, that is a huge gift in and of itself. We both have this great capacity for work right now - a desire to sink our teeth in and go full force. I think that is due to the little chilling out period we had before getting here. We want to be integrated into life here, to be part of the community. We want to speak the language and have playdates for the kids. Aside from that, most other things seem to be on the periphery right now. So, a 40th birthday bash with all the extravagant awesomeness that Jason deserves feels like a really foreign idea at the moment.


I wasn’t able to buy Jason a fabulous gift, which he didn’t want anyway. There are things that I would loved to have gotten for him, but of all of them, the one that I would like to have given him the most was one that I could not, and will not ever be able to give him. I want to give him happy. Don’t get me wrong, he’s happy. He’s the same Jason that everyone has always seen and known. But, there was a little something about him these last few days as he approached his birthday. He couldn’t say what it was, so I certainly can’t either, but, I can take a little guess. My Jason, he’s amazing. He’s the happiest, most even man out there. You know that. He’s steadfast. Jason has been Jason since day one. You see what you get and get what you see. A few years ago he lost a little of his sparkly glimmer. Losing Elliott was tough, the toughest experience Jason has been through I believe, and the toughest we have as a pair. After that he was like a beautifully restored classic Mustang. (I know it sounds a lot corny - but go with me...) He looked and felt the same as the original Jason, but you knew that under all the shine there were a few dents that had been worked out and if you looked hard enough, you could still see them. Now to me, that whole awful experience only made me love Jason more. Having seen that depth and that loss drew me in. To me, he was better than the original. If there is a silver lining to that loss, this is it.

How does this all tie back to today? Well, I could see some of that same sort of sadness or anxiety or contemplation in Jason these last few days. He wasn’t depressed, but maybe a little bummed that he’s 40. That used to be old. What I would have loved to have given Jason today was a little of that nativity that blesses a person that has suffered no loss. I would like to have turned back time for him - back to a time when he didn’t know pain and only wanted for more of life’s intangibles. I love this Jason, my 40 year old with all his life experience and seasoning, he’s my favorite Jason yet. For him, I wouldn’t mind revisiting 30 year old Jason. But, only for a day.

Comments

  1. ElliottFebruary 16, 2012 at 8:32 AM

    Tawnya you said what I feel. I used to think 40 was old until I realized that my baby was turning 40. Now I know it is not old at all. Losing Elliott was hard on the entire family and you and Jason along with David were great. I could not have made it through those days without all your love and support. I am thrilled you love your Jason, I do too.

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