Post from the Beach


I'm sitting at the beach with the kids right now.  They are splashing and swimming in the water, despite it being "samui", or cold. They couldn't care less, they are happy.  Maybe a better word for their current state is carefree.  Despite my claims of being a writer I'm pretty sure there is no way I can describe the contentment this brings me at this moment.  Without sounding dramatic, I have been waging a bit of an internal war for the last month. Somedays it takes so much energy to send the kids off and got to work myself that I wonder if I am doing the right thing. 

The kids need me. Here we are in this strange new world, a place that we are called aliens, and for good reason, and I am asking them to go out into the world and acclimate.  There are days that I feel I am barely treading water, how can I expect them to swim?  Of course, in some regards it is easier for them, being less constricted in their ways, but in other ways it is so much more difficult. In terms of a lifetime, they are just babies.  It is my responsibility to turn these babies into producing, contributing adults with a gentle mind and a giving heart.  This is no weekend task, this is a job that needs daily calibration. Right now I am going a full 3 days, in a row, (Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday) where I am just barely seeing the kids.  I get them off to school the AM, and come home beyond their bedtimes to usher them to bed.  Maybe not seeing them at all would be easier these days, so there is no chance for tearful cuddle requests and urgent bedtime routines.  By Friday we are each a miserable mess.  All 3 of us slowly degrade as the week goes on.  And then there is Jason, poor guy.  He is our life vessel. He is strong and steady. He hates not seeing the kids as much as I do, but he knows he has to be strong for us. 
It is not all doom and gloom, there are small victories everyday.  Our work is, for the most part, enjoyable, and our apartment is now our home. We have our own car now, which is such a huge blessing. It feels like we have the slightest bit of independence now.  But, we are here to work.  We both like to work.  My struggle is, how do I get the balance where work is not being done at a cost to my children?  Because, right now it is.  Right now, I am being neglectful.  Right now I not being present.  That is why we came to Japan, to be present in our kids lives, to not miss the little things, or the big things*.  We did not come here to feel unhappy and miss out on their growing up.

Full circle, I am content now, at this moment, because the kids are out there climbing on big rocks, splashing, and catching little critters.  They know I am right here, not going anywhere, not leaving for work.  They do not have to fit in right now, practice their Japanese, or conform to any other rules than being kind and having fun. This is why we came to Japan.**

*I have been feeling particularly down since I had to miss half of "Sports Day" at the kids school due to a scheduled class.  The scheduler of the class would not let me reschedule, despite the fact that only 4 of the 20 students were planning to come because they too would be at Sports Day.  Lily and Jaxon worked very hard to learn their performances for sports day, 4 hours a day for two weeks straight.  Jason and I both missed them to be at work.  To say that I was upset is an understatement.  

**As I type this, there are a group of Japanese adults getting a huge joy from watching Lily, the crazy white girl, splashing in the freezing water.  I'm hearing a lot of, "ah, so" and "kawaii" or  cute.

Comments

  1. JeniferMay 26, 2012 at 1:03 AM

    She is kawaii! I love reading your posts, Tawnya. Much to say, but just got a call at work.

    ReplyDelete

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