The Family Bed(room)
Ten years ago I was pregnant with Lily. Jason and I took the usual American steps in creating a nursery, setting up a crib, buying, buying, buying. Then, September came, Lily came, and many of my plans for the kind of mother I was going to be went out the window. What's so funny is that everyone has an opinion on how we should raise our kids. People with years of experience and people with none, they all want to ring in and share, or force, their ideas. Often these opinions and ideas are welcomed - new parents often feel unprepared and inadequate. Heck, seasoned parents feel that way too.
One of the biggest shocks to me was my sudden and adamant protection of co-sleeping. Until the day Miss Lil was born I swore in every direction that she would sleep in her crib. Always. There would be no family bed, no sleep overs, no middle of the night ambushes. I would rise with her cries, feed her, return her to her bed and me to mine. That lasted 0 days. At first she was just too new and vulnerable to put in her crib, then, what if she stopped breathing in the night? Or what if one of the cats got in her crib? After that it was, she's feeding so often, it just doesn't make sense for her to be so far away. The truth is, on some level I knew that co-sleeping was just right for us. Me and Lily I mean. Jason was not really a fan. In fact, I think that most of our exhausted, new parent bickerings revolved around that family bed. I remember inviting him out of the bed - but I guess that he must not have hated it enough to sleep elsewhere.
Our family bed ultimately died when we moved from the home the children were born in. Lily was about 3, Jaxon just over a year and a half. Up to that point we always had at least one kid with us, and sometimes both. Since then we have allowed the occasional sleepovers and middle of the night ambushes. The kids have grown and in doing so are just not really that great to sleep with. It seems to be their inherent right to sleep sideways or upside down, or any way they choose. Both of them have become noisy sleepers, with Jaxon talking in his sleep and Lily, well she does some unladylike things in hers.
Now, here in Japan, we are the odd people. In the US I got so much crap from people about co-sleeping on a regular basis. In Japan, it is the norm. Actually, in Japan, families all sleep together in one room until the child is between 8 and 12! That's right, very few (I can think of one set of sisters) of Lily's and Jaxon's friends have their own rooms yet. From different conversations I have pieced together, Mom sleeps with the youngest, Dad with the next kid. If Grandma or Grandpa are around, a kid may sleep with them also. About the time the child finishes elementary school, they graduate to their own room.
Why? A couple reasons. Of course there is the standard space issue. Homes are smaller here and more than half of the population chooses to live in apartments as opposed to houses. Another reason is simple tradition. That's that way it's always been done. What I find interesting is that the Japanese cite the same reasons for their choice to have a family bedroom that we cite for not having one. Many feel that having the children close until they are older will create a stronger self esteem, a more confident child, therefore a more successful child. All of this confidence leads to independence and success. Same reason we put our kids in their own beds...(let's not even tap on the sex issue this time around, that's a whole different blog...and I have some info about that too).
In closing, our family bed is still gone - as our current bed is small. But, our family bedroom has been born. At night the kids pull their futons into our room and camp out on the floor. The reason being that our room is the only room with air conditioning. And, you know, we're Japanese now, so that's just how we roll.
One of the biggest shocks to me was my sudden and adamant protection of co-sleeping. Until the day Miss Lil was born I swore in every direction that she would sleep in her crib. Always. There would be no family bed, no sleep overs, no middle of the night ambushes. I would rise with her cries, feed her, return her to her bed and me to mine. That lasted 0 days. At first she was just too new and vulnerable to put in her crib, then, what if she stopped breathing in the night? Or what if one of the cats got in her crib? After that it was, she's feeding so often, it just doesn't make sense for her to be so far away. The truth is, on some level I knew that co-sleeping was just right for us. Me and Lily I mean. Jason was not really a fan. In fact, I think that most of our exhausted, new parent bickerings revolved around that family bed. I remember inviting him out of the bed - but I guess that he must not have hated it enough to sleep elsewhere.
Our family bed ultimately died when we moved from the home the children were born in. Lily was about 3, Jaxon just over a year and a half. Up to that point we always had at least one kid with us, and sometimes both. Since then we have allowed the occasional sleepovers and middle of the night ambushes. The kids have grown and in doing so are just not really that great to sleep with. It seems to be their inherent right to sleep sideways or upside down, or any way they choose. Both of them have become noisy sleepers, with Jaxon talking in his sleep and Lily, well she does some unladylike things in hers.
Now, here in Japan, we are the odd people. In the US I got so much crap from people about co-sleeping on a regular basis. In Japan, it is the norm. Actually, in Japan, families all sleep together in one room until the child is between 8 and 12! That's right, very few (I can think of one set of sisters) of Lily's and Jaxon's friends have their own rooms yet. From different conversations I have pieced together, Mom sleeps with the youngest, Dad with the next kid. If Grandma or Grandpa are around, a kid may sleep with them also. About the time the child finishes elementary school, they graduate to their own room.
Why? A couple reasons. Of course there is the standard space issue. Homes are smaller here and more than half of the population chooses to live in apartments as opposed to houses. Another reason is simple tradition. That's that way it's always been done. What I find interesting is that the Japanese cite the same reasons for their choice to have a family bedroom that we cite for not having one. Many feel that having the children close until they are older will create a stronger self esteem, a more confident child, therefore a more successful child. All of this confidence leads to independence and success. Same reason we put our kids in their own beds...(let's not even tap on the sex issue this time around, that's a whole different blog...and I have some info about that too).
In closing, our family bed is still gone - as our current bed is small. But, our family bedroom has been born. At night the kids pull their futons into our room and camp out on the floor. The reason being that our room is the only room with air conditioning. And, you know, we're Japanese now, so that's just how we roll.
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