Makeinu
Wow - I'm not even sure how to write this message to make it believable. I can share facts and stories until I'm hoarse, but I just don't think my words will have the power to describe the palpability of what I've been learning about lately.
Marriage in Japan is not like marriage in the US - generally speaking of course. What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think of marriage? Probably love. There are a list of other images and emotions that come to mind, that follow the love, but love always comes first. Here, that just isn't so. Here you marry to have children, or to have a home to take care of. The majority of women here marry to have babies and stay home to raise them. The man that they marry is essentially a baby-daddy. He is a man that lives to work and wants the status of a family. Everyone wins. Marriages here are still occasionally arranged even...I cannot tell you how many people Jason and I have met that only see their spouses 1 day a week, if that, and that is completely okay. The man works 6 days a week, from say 7 AM to 10PM. No joke, no exaggeration. The women stay home with the kids. When we ask the wives about this - both Jason and I are ready to comfort these orphan wives - they laugh at us. They all say it is fine - they actually prefer this arrangement as having the men around more would just be troublesome. Some men even have separate apartments near work to make working non-stop all that much easier.
There has been much written on this topic - the fact that many marriages in Japan are loveless and simply a step to achieve a goal. You can search the net yourself to discover some pretty sad facts, such as the "fact" (I have no real proof) that the majority of Japanese marriages are sexless - at least within the marriage. Many articles refer to the open use of pornography by men here in Japan, the fact that many married Japanese men have snack-girlfriends, and that being paid for sex (which we call prostitution in the US) is not a bad thing - but rather synonymous with some marriages. ***I'm positive that this is not a description of every marriage in Japan - I'm not saying that it is. However, this is real, and true, and in front of us everyday.
There is even an uprising of sorts coming from all this. An author wrote a book about 3 years ago that grew to be a best seller and from it came the term, "makeinu" which literally translates into "loser dog". This is the term given to unmarried, older women - older being in their 30's. Originally the term was derogatory, meant to cause shame. Rather, women grabbed the term and ran with it - and now women are glamorizing the term - choosing this over loveless marriage. I think I 'd choose to be a loser dog too.
Here I get to my concern from earlier - I can tell you all about this - but there is just no way that I can make anyone feel it like I do being here. There is a different feeling surrounding marriage and your spouse here. It hangs in the air. I do not see handholding, kissing, or even hugging done by anyone over the age of 17. I do not see or feel love between adults. Children are doted on, elders are respected, but husbands and wives, moms and dads, they just don't seem to connect. It makes me sad, and it makes me nervous too.
I didn't marry to procreate. I married to have a forever flirting partner, someone to make eyes at from across the room - be they eyes of lust or anger - they are eyes of emotion. I married to be challenged and to have my best friend next to me whether I'm traveling the world or regretting last night. I value my Jason, he is a prize to be had in my mind. I have always felt this and I have always worried that out there in the world there would be some force strong enough to pry him from me (yes, I am insecure, and yes, I am dramatic. Two of Jason's favorite qualities in me). Until now these forces were women that I understood, women that I identified with on some level. But these women here, I don't understand. I don't know how to go through life loveless. I imagine that if I were in a marriage that consisted of children and Sunday visits I would be so hungry for love and affection - that I would grasp at it the instant it flashed in front of me. I imagine that Jason, being a family man, a man of love and kindness, a guy's guy that is this girl's best friend - is like a shaved ice stand in the desert. Sought after, refreshing, and completely desirable. What I have is a rarity in Japan, and I want to protect it. I want to keep it safe and in tact.
Marriage in Japan is not like marriage in the US - generally speaking of course. What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think of marriage? Probably love. There are a list of other images and emotions that come to mind, that follow the love, but love always comes first. Here, that just isn't so. Here you marry to have children, or to have a home to take care of. The majority of women here marry to have babies and stay home to raise them. The man that they marry is essentially a baby-daddy. He is a man that lives to work and wants the status of a family. Everyone wins. Marriages here are still occasionally arranged even...I cannot tell you how many people Jason and I have met that only see their spouses 1 day a week, if that, and that is completely okay. The man works 6 days a week, from say 7 AM to 10PM. No joke, no exaggeration. The women stay home with the kids. When we ask the wives about this - both Jason and I are ready to comfort these orphan wives - they laugh at us. They all say it is fine - they actually prefer this arrangement as having the men around more would just be troublesome. Some men even have separate apartments near work to make working non-stop all that much easier.
There has been much written on this topic - the fact that many marriages in Japan are loveless and simply a step to achieve a goal. You can search the net yourself to discover some pretty sad facts, such as the "fact" (I have no real proof) that the majority of Japanese marriages are sexless - at least within the marriage. Many articles refer to the open use of pornography by men here in Japan, the fact that many married Japanese men have snack-girlfriends, and that being paid for sex (which we call prostitution in the US) is not a bad thing - but rather synonymous with some marriages. ***I'm positive that this is not a description of every marriage in Japan - I'm not saying that it is. However, this is real, and true, and in front of us everyday.
There is even an uprising of sorts coming from all this. An author wrote a book about 3 years ago that grew to be a best seller and from it came the term, "makeinu" which literally translates into "loser dog". This is the term given to unmarried, older women - older being in their 30's. Originally the term was derogatory, meant to cause shame. Rather, women grabbed the term and ran with it - and now women are glamorizing the term - choosing this over loveless marriage. I think I 'd choose to be a loser dog too.
Here I get to my concern from earlier - I can tell you all about this - but there is just no way that I can make anyone feel it like I do being here. There is a different feeling surrounding marriage and your spouse here. It hangs in the air. I do not see handholding, kissing, or even hugging done by anyone over the age of 17. I do not see or feel love between adults. Children are doted on, elders are respected, but husbands and wives, moms and dads, they just don't seem to connect. It makes me sad, and it makes me nervous too.
I didn't marry to procreate. I married to have a forever flirting partner, someone to make eyes at from across the room - be they eyes of lust or anger - they are eyes of emotion. I married to be challenged and to have my best friend next to me whether I'm traveling the world or regretting last night. I value my Jason, he is a prize to be had in my mind. I have always felt this and I have always worried that out there in the world there would be some force strong enough to pry him from me (yes, I am insecure, and yes, I am dramatic. Two of Jason's favorite qualities in me). Until now these forces were women that I understood, women that I identified with on some level. But these women here, I don't understand. I don't know how to go through life loveless. I imagine that if I were in a marriage that consisted of children and Sunday visits I would be so hungry for love and affection - that I would grasp at it the instant it flashed in front of me. I imagine that Jason, being a family man, a man of love and kindness, a guy's guy that is this girl's best friend - is like a shaved ice stand in the desert. Sought after, refreshing, and completely desirable. What I have is a rarity in Japan, and I want to protect it. I want to keep it safe and in tact.
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