The Power of the Blog
This blog - it has morphed into something much more meaningful than I intended it to be. Originally it was simply a way to keep people in the US in the loop as to what was going on in our lives when we were gone. Over time I became close with this blog, developed an open and honest relationship with it, and now have come to depend on it. It's like a diary I guess, or a journal, but in a more open and powerful way. I can say what I want here and not worry about being interrupted. I can be (and have always been) completely honest. I can share things that I wouldn't otherwise share because my currency is the written word not all folks accept that tender. I guess what I am saying is that for those of you that signed on to read about adventures and excitement and are now feeling let down by what may seem lackluster - feelings, struggles, growth, and victories...I apologize, and I don't. I've been wanting to write here for a while but haven't as there has been nothing blogworthy for the masses. But as a friend said, "So!". So here I go.
One of my resent posts was about my unhappiness - my (then) current state of glum. Writing that blog changed nothing in my life and I am pretty much in the same set of circumstances now as I was that night, but, wow. It was the cleansing I needed to be able to move forward. I woke the next day feeling better and therefore being better. I am not dense - I know that how I am feeling, was feeling, is all in my head - that I have it pretty great and that the only change that needed to happen was my attitude and outlook. What helped so much was the public airing of my dirty laundry. Knowing those things, admitting them to a select few, it does not provide the same level of cleansing and motivation that shouting it from the mountain top does. Maybe it's my fear of confrontation - if a close friend were to tell me to shape up I could easily dismiss them and move on. But, if one of you readers out there saw me and told me it was time to get my head out of my ***, that would rattle me. So, in sharing with you my junk, I have to own it, I have to be ready to live it and love it, or move on.
Which brings me to today. On Saturday I ran into the manager of our apartment complex at the grocery store. He automatically hugged me. Today he approached me and apologized for hugging me - as he knows I am not a hugger. He said, "I remembered as I was hugging you that you said you don't like it. But, it was too late to stop! So, I'm sorry." I felt like an ass. Before I gave my words a first thought I blurted to him - "I like hugging! It's just that I am fat, so I don't want people to hug me..."And that is my shameful secret. I am so insecure about my extra weight that I withhold affection from people.
I have always been insecure about my body. I come from a long line of large women that get larger as they get older. It scares me that I may be that way someday. I don't know if I could ever be thin - I know I could not be America's idea of thin anyway. I won't ever wear a size 6 or a bikini. The Victoria's Secret recruiters will never be banging down my door. But I could be better, a lot better. I am not in the worst shape of my life, I have been worse off, but that isn't good enough. I want to want to be hugged, go shopping, share a meal with friends. I want more from life and I want to stop being the only person in my way of getting it.
I began getting healthier about a month ago. I started drinking health shakes that have all kinds of good stuff in them and trying to drink more water. Then 2 weeks ago I stopped eating wheat in support of Jaxon. The food we eat at home is mostly healthy - nothing out of a box, very little bread, lots of veggies. Exercising has been hit and miss, but I went today and worked hard. I have lost 5 pounds. I don't feel it, or see it, but the scale says so, so it is.
I am sharing this - shouting it out loud - so that I may feel that same motivation to own it and love it that I felt after posting about my blues. I really, really want to get to a place that I want to be hugged. I miss that - and once I am there I owe all of you one.
One of my resent posts was about my unhappiness - my (then) current state of glum. Writing that blog changed nothing in my life and I am pretty much in the same set of circumstances now as I was that night, but, wow. It was the cleansing I needed to be able to move forward. I woke the next day feeling better and therefore being better. I am not dense - I know that how I am feeling, was feeling, is all in my head - that I have it pretty great and that the only change that needed to happen was my attitude and outlook. What helped so much was the public airing of my dirty laundry. Knowing those things, admitting them to a select few, it does not provide the same level of cleansing and motivation that shouting it from the mountain top does. Maybe it's my fear of confrontation - if a close friend were to tell me to shape up I could easily dismiss them and move on. But, if one of you readers out there saw me and told me it was time to get my head out of my ***, that would rattle me. So, in sharing with you my junk, I have to own it, I have to be ready to live it and love it, or move on.
Which brings me to today. On Saturday I ran into the manager of our apartment complex at the grocery store. He automatically hugged me. Today he approached me and apologized for hugging me - as he knows I am not a hugger. He said, "I remembered as I was hugging you that you said you don't like it. But, it was too late to stop! So, I'm sorry." I felt like an ass. Before I gave my words a first thought I blurted to him - "I like hugging! It's just that I am fat, so I don't want people to hug me..."And that is my shameful secret. I am so insecure about my extra weight that I withhold affection from people.
I have always been insecure about my body. I come from a long line of large women that get larger as they get older. It scares me that I may be that way someday. I don't know if I could ever be thin - I know I could not be America's idea of thin anyway. I won't ever wear a size 6 or a bikini. The Victoria's Secret recruiters will never be banging down my door. But I could be better, a lot better. I am not in the worst shape of my life, I have been worse off, but that isn't good enough. I want to want to be hugged, go shopping, share a meal with friends. I want more from life and I want to stop being the only person in my way of getting it.
I began getting healthier about a month ago. I started drinking health shakes that have all kinds of good stuff in them and trying to drink more water. Then 2 weeks ago I stopped eating wheat in support of Jaxon. The food we eat at home is mostly healthy - nothing out of a box, very little bread, lots of veggies. Exercising has been hit and miss, but I went today and worked hard. I have lost 5 pounds. I don't feel it, or see it, but the scale says so, so it is.
I am sharing this - shouting it out loud - so that I may feel that same motivation to own it and love it that I felt after posting about my blues. I really, really want to get to a place that I want to be hugged. I miss that - and once I am there I owe all of you one.
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