Visiting Big Red

School got out on June 8.  Tomorrow will mark 20 days of summer vacation.  I gotta say, I'm kind of over it already.  I know that some of you out there look forward to this time of year because it means less responsibility, more time with the kids, etc, etc.  But for me, it means less responsibility and more time with the kids.  Same sentence, different points of view I guess.  I have been a stay at home mom for 10, almost 11 years.  Yeah, I've had a job outside the home for a lot of that time - Starbucks, teaching childbirth classes and being a doula, and substitute teaching (we are not got to count the full time gigs in Japan, since I miss it like crazy.  Would go back in a minute.  Not even going to talk about it...) but they were all tiny, little things meant to give us a few extra bucks, nothing that powered my mind or drove me to greater things.  My main thing was momming.  All day, night too.  But now, 10+ years in, I'm hitting a wall.  Running on E.  I'm feeling totally out of mom juice.  I've developed a theory.  We ladies are all born with a finite amount "mom" in us.  It isn't something we can stock up on when we are running low.  Yeah, we can recharge now and then, but once the juice is out, it's out.  No store runs.  Some of us get lots of this stuff and can have a brood of kids and still be a nice person at the end of the day, others of us, maybe we should have stuck with a plant or a fish. Most of us, we fall in the middle. Me, I was pretty great in the beginning.  Summer science experiments, playdates, outdoor water fun.  But, I think maybe I shot my load a little too quick if you know what I mean.  Now science experiments are masked with, "hey, let's see what happens when you add these clothes and this soap to that big machine over there!" and playdates are anything that consists of "playing"  (alone or otherwise) on a given date, say the 9th or the 26th.  There is no planning ahead, no fun adventures...just, "Hey! Go play!"

Now, to give myself a little break, the kids are older now which means they are not nearly as cute anymore and have pre-pubescent personalities only a mother could love...so there are just less things to do with them...well, I guess that's not true. It's just me, puttering out.  Am I terrible for feeling done right now?  I mean, I know I am not Mom of the Year, but, I could be worse!  I could be beating them, withholding food, or making them go to every VBS in town (not that VBS is bad...it's just that there are a lot of them over here, I'd never have to see them!!!). I want to take a break, meaning, pee alone, sit down and eat a meal without someone suddenly being hungry, leave the house in 5 minutes instead of 15. I want to listen to someone say "MOM!" and not even turn to look, or better yet, hear nothing at all. Just a little break, I'm sure I will look forward to voyeuristic peeing again in the future.

So, I am taking a small break.  But, it has strings and will likely leave me more frazzled that I am at the and of all the Y days...Tomorrow I will be meeting my Mom, step-Dad, Sister, and Nephew in Los Angeles to surprise my 80 year old Grandma for her birthday.  Sweet right?  Except this - last time I traveled to CA with this same group (and Jason) my mom and I didn't speak for weeks after.  And, G-ma is kind of a piece of work...Close your eyes and picture this:  G-ma is 5'11" and fluffy (fat).  She wears a bright red wig, a pound of make up, and enough perfume to kill an asthmatic.  She does have beautiful porcelain skin.  Never seen the sun...(We call her Big Red, don't tell). Anyway, G-ma spent her life as a bath house singer, literally.  She is a closeted lesbian, sort of.  We know, she knows we know, but, we don't talk about it.  I guess that being 80 now, it wasn't really alright for her to come out as a young person. I don't know why she doesn't do it now, I'm not allowed to ask, remember? (Maybe me and a few Vodkas will team up and ask her this weekend, that'd go over well.) She is ailing, has all kinds of troubles, and all of them are very emergent and dramatic, you know?  But, she is my kin, and for that there is love.  I will say this...my crazy had to start somewhere.  She might be a good place to look.

So my 48 hour break beings tomorrow at about 11 AM.  Here's to hoping it's restful and that I return less "done"...

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