Meds

During a visit to a doctor in 2005 I was verbalizing the struggles I was having being a stay home mom of two small children.  Lily was maybe 3 years old and Jaxon was 18 or 19 months.  This doctor, she wasn't my regular doctor or even someone I knew.  Her suggestion was pills.  Anti-depressants, anti-anxiety medication.  I accepted, said I'd give them a shot, and thus began a relationship I never thought I'd have.

In hindsight, I can pick apart that whole doctor visit.  I didn't know this woman and her immediate answer to my blues was medication.  There was no suggestion of sunlight, exercise, dietary change, time out doing adult things, nothing.  Just the magic and quick answer of pills.  Maybe she should have made other suggestions. Maybe she should have recommended that I see my regular doctor or talk with someone that I knew for more than 5 minutes.  I am to blame too - maybe I should have asked more questions.  Maybe I should have thought long-term.  Yes, the quick solution of the happy pill was appealing, but was it the right answer?

It doesn't matter now.  I accepted the pills, Zoloft, and went home to start taking them.  I can still remember a conversation that I had with a friend about them - I was defensive, apologetic.  I was only going to use the pills for 6 months, so I could get happy again.  I felt shame that I wasn't emotionally strong enough to be happy on my own.  I think I could actually write a series of blogs about all the emotional baggage that I carried before the pills and how it multiplied after Zoloft and I became acquainted.  That's not what this is about, maybe another time.***

I loved those little pills.  I loved the manufactured happy that I felt when I took them, the numb barrier they created so that sad things weren't sad anymore.  I loved that it took so much less effort to get up and get going in the morning.  If Zoloft and I had continued on our initial path we would probably still be together today. Over time, I found that the initial prescription wasn't enough anymore.  My happy wasn't as happy and I was having to exert effort again.  Having tasted effortless giddy happiness, I didn't want to have to try.  Back to the unknown doctor, dose upped, I'm happy again.  This little relationship adjustment happened again and again until I was at the max dose of Zoloft and beyond my six month mark of usership.

To make a long story short, I quit taking Zoloft and moved onto this pill and that pill.  I was basically a little pill slut, trying them all until I found the one that gave the best result with the fewest side effects.  I wanted happy and I wanted numb.  I wanted an impenetrable sad shield.  

2009, four years and so many drugs later, Elliott died.  I made the really great decision to quit taking my pills then, cold turkey.  (Do you feel my sarcasm here?  The decision was not great, epically ungreat.)  At first I loved me stripped down. I was sad, really sad, but it was an appropriate time to be sad and it felt good just to feel again.  I think it lasted a month before I want back, joined Prozac nation once again. Sad became crazy - all these feelings I'd effectively avoided for four years were choking me. It was like being blind and seeing for the first time - amazing at first but then too much.  Too much stimulation, too many colors.  I just wanted to shut my eyes, my ears, tune back out.

2012, May.  Japan has "happy" pills. They are not freely given here as they are in the US.  Here you have to go to a shrink, talk, and earn the pills.  Well, that's a problem for me.  Clearly there is a communication barrier and honestly, I just didn't want to do it.  I looked into various options - have pills sent from the US, order them from Canada where they are over the counter, etc.  But, in the end, that was all more than I wanted to do also.  Just placing an order felt like a big undertaking.  It was time to quit.  Somehow that chore felt more doable.

So, I quit.  I eased off the pills slowly, no cold turkey this time. It wasn't easy, for me, Jason, or those around me, but I did it.  I ordered some other stuff - 5 HTP - which is an amino acid -natural - and helps a little when I need it.  To say that I am proud of me, that's an understatement. I quit, I got off my crutch.  

Here is where I am today:  I am still relearning what to do with emotions.  Without the help of medication, I have to process a lot more, compartmentalize, think.  I have to decide how I feel about things and deal with them.  This is good, how it should should be.  I am not great at it yet - it's all a bit overwhelming at times, but I'm getting there.  Emotional rehab I guess.

In the last 2 days I have come to tears 3 times - and I couldn't be happier about it.  I was watching  SYTYCD with the family and something sad and beautiful actually moved me to tears.  A year ago that wouldn't have happened.  That moment would have been completely wasted on me.  At 32 I am learning how to feel again, and I really, really like it. (most days...)

***HUGE disclaimer - I do not think less of people that take anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds.  I don't judge, I don't think you are making the wrong choice.  For some they are necessary.   Maybe they were for me for a while too.  I don't know.  I may have been able to do it on my own, but I didn't.  I'm okay with that. I feel no shame for the path that I took, and no one else should either.  Who knows, I may end up back in bed with meds again one day.  Life is a crazy ride and you never know what's to come.  I accept the crutch that helped me get here today.  I am glad to be rid of it - and I look forward to the growth that awaits me.