No apologies
What do you love about you? I grew up believing a romantic notion that in order to love others you must first love yourself. Throughout my life I have gone back to that thought - gone around and around it - sometimes believing it, other times doubting it and seeing all the holes in the logic behind it - if there is any. Wether or not it holds any water at all, it made me seek something within myself to love when I didn't think there was anything there. I couldn't imagine the bitter coldness of a life lived without loving others. I love loving. I love providing and caring, and to not be able to do that because of all the love lost between me and I just didn't work for me. So I sought, and I found. There are a few things about me that I love. I wish there were more - I wish that I didn't have an equal or larger list of gripes. But, I suppose that keeps me real. I will never mistake myself for perfect or even close. I will never see myself as a completed project. I will always have further molding ahead of me.
I love that my strongest guides in life are my feelings. I will not pick apart a decision from 27 angles to find the best or most beneficial approach. There will be no underlying motive or calculation beneath my actions, at least not from their origin. Crap gets muddled in along the journey from decision to action sometimes, but the origin - the birthplace of my steps - is pure.
I love that I am an open book - that I will share anything with you at anytime. Because of some of the chapters of my life I have grown to hate secrets. Now, there is an argument to be had- what exactly constitutes a secret? Are unspoken truths secrets? No, I guess not, but, most of the time I'd rather just put it all out there just to avoid the possibility that I might be harboring something - anything- that could constitute being a secret.
Along that same line, I love that I am honest. I will tell no lies. Ask me what I think, how I feel, I will tell you. Now, I may change my mind 5 minutes or 5 days later, but in the moment, my words are my truth.
I love that I will give until it hurts. I will say yes when you ask. I will be there when you need me. I will pain myself to meet your needs.
Each and every one of these characteristics has been a wonderful attribute and also a ginat detriment to me. I hope that the day never arrives that I see anyone of them as more of a detriment than an attribute. These are my lights and I don't want them to go out.
I get angry when someone leads me to doubt one of these things about myself, or uses these attributes against me. Admittedly, my convictions are not strong enough that people are not able to bring me down. So, first I get angry, then I get hurt. Next, maybe I get angry again. I want the strength to wrap my arms around these qualities that I have deemed lovable, to be able to defend them and stand behind them. I want to be able to tell people to respect these things about me and to tread lightly, for as long as you take care of me I will always be available to you, to be of benefit to you. But, people are shortsighted, myself included. When I am hurt or angry, when I begin to doubt the very parts of me that I have built my foundation around, I cannot defend that foundation. It is a weakness that I hope to continue to work on as opposed to just throwing in the towel - as that option and all the pain that comes with it sometimes appears to be the best option. I have reached that point many times of course, in many situations. Fortunately, a small voice of self-preservation has always broken through and kept me from making the leap.
All of this is so difficult in the English speaking world. Just maintaining a modicum of self can feel like a feat. Take away a common means of communication and the difficulty is at least doubled. Now, every misstep is a giant leap that needs to be explained and back pedaled to the nth degree. It's exhausting. Today I feel that exhaustion like a head cold weighing me down - but at the same time - it's lifting me up. I am looking at this battle between my ears - this self doubt and my own depreciation of my value and saying no. I don't want this for me. But mostly, I don't want this for Lily, or for Jaxon. I want them to go out into the world as themselves with no apologies. I want them to love, love, love themselves and the amazing things they have to offer. I want them to know to their core that they are their own most valuable asset. None of this "maybe I should change who I am so others will be happier." No wasting time filling buckets only to have them dumped out by others. Only, take me, love me, value me and I will give you all of me, with no apologies.
I love that my strongest guides in life are my feelings. I will not pick apart a decision from 27 angles to find the best or most beneficial approach. There will be no underlying motive or calculation beneath my actions, at least not from their origin. Crap gets muddled in along the journey from decision to action sometimes, but the origin - the birthplace of my steps - is pure.
I love that I am an open book - that I will share anything with you at anytime. Because of some of the chapters of my life I have grown to hate secrets. Now, there is an argument to be had- what exactly constitutes a secret? Are unspoken truths secrets? No, I guess not, but, most of the time I'd rather just put it all out there just to avoid the possibility that I might be harboring something - anything- that could constitute being a secret.
Along that same line, I love that I am honest. I will tell no lies. Ask me what I think, how I feel, I will tell you. Now, I may change my mind 5 minutes or 5 days later, but in the moment, my words are my truth.
I love that I will give until it hurts. I will say yes when you ask. I will be there when you need me. I will pain myself to meet your needs.
Each and every one of these characteristics has been a wonderful attribute and also a ginat detriment to me. I hope that the day never arrives that I see anyone of them as more of a detriment than an attribute. These are my lights and I don't want them to go out.
I get angry when someone leads me to doubt one of these things about myself, or uses these attributes against me. Admittedly, my convictions are not strong enough that people are not able to bring me down. So, first I get angry, then I get hurt. Next, maybe I get angry again. I want the strength to wrap my arms around these qualities that I have deemed lovable, to be able to defend them and stand behind them. I want to be able to tell people to respect these things about me and to tread lightly, for as long as you take care of me I will always be available to you, to be of benefit to you. But, people are shortsighted, myself included. When I am hurt or angry, when I begin to doubt the very parts of me that I have built my foundation around, I cannot defend that foundation. It is a weakness that I hope to continue to work on as opposed to just throwing in the towel - as that option and all the pain that comes with it sometimes appears to be the best option. I have reached that point many times of course, in many situations. Fortunately, a small voice of self-preservation has always broken through and kept me from making the leap.
All of this is so difficult in the English speaking world. Just maintaining a modicum of self can feel like a feat. Take away a common means of communication and the difficulty is at least doubled. Now, every misstep is a giant leap that needs to be explained and back pedaled to the nth degree. It's exhausting. Today I feel that exhaustion like a head cold weighing me down - but at the same time - it's lifting me up. I am looking at this battle between my ears - this self doubt and my own depreciation of my value and saying no. I don't want this for me. But mostly, I don't want this for Lily, or for Jaxon. I want them to go out into the world as themselves with no apologies. I want them to love, love, love themselves and the amazing things they have to offer. I want them to know to their core that they are their own most valuable asset. None of this "maybe I should change who I am so others will be happier." No wasting time filling buckets only to have them dumped out by others. Only, take me, love me, value me and I will give you all of me, with no apologies.
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