Contant change
Many people much wiser than myself have prophesied that the only constant in life is change. These last few days have pretty much wrung me dry, and as a result, some of the people around me.
This weekend was Lillian's 10 year old birthday celebration. We aren't home - in America - we're here where we don't have the same quality of friendship and family that we have previously experienced. I felt so much pressure to make her weekend good - her 10th birthday, on the 10th of September - her Golden Birthday. And, to my greatest and most unexpected pleasure, people rose to the occasion. I never thought that the people that came out to celebrate Lillian and make her feel special would. She received songs, hugs, and gifts from various people everywhere we went. She truly glowed each time. At the end of Sunday night, the night before her true birthday, she went to bed happy. So did I. Thank you to everyone at home in America and here, at home in Japan, that made Lily's weekend so special.
Monday, her actual birthday, was tough. My work schedule didn't allow me to spend anytime with her that day. It was a very heavy weight on me. Each time I thought of her, and me not being there, the weight became heavier until I finally broke. Half way through the day she called me, asking if I was still coming to her school with cupcakes as I had previously promised. I couldn't. I literally had no time, no emotional energy. Stack on more guilt.
At work that night Jason texted me a picture of Lily in her new birthday outfit from Gaga. Seeing this, I cried. Again. I was happy to see her, happy for the photo, and at the same time...more guilt. This grinding guilt of, what am I doing? We came here, to Japan, to be with our kids more. Here I am, not with my daughter, on her birthday. WTheck...
Jason and the kids picked me up from work. It was late - 9:10 on a school night, but we threw caution to the wind and went for a late dinner. After that, Lily cuddled in bed with me until we both fell asleep watching an amazing lighting storm and listening to a pretty rocking thunderstorm. It was a blessing at the end of a horrific day.
I know that the scheme of life is grand - that chances are Lillian isn't going to need any more therapy than any normal person for the fact that I missed her birthday. But, you know what? I still remember the very first day of kindergarten - I was too cool to have my mom walk me to the classroom. I didn't want to be the only kid with a mom there. Turns out, I was one of the only ones without one there. The next year, first grade, I begged my mom to walk me to the door. She didn't for what ever reason. It may be dumb, but I still tear up over that. I still have guilt and regret.
I think that her birthday was really just the icing on the cake for me - no pun intended there. It's been a tough few weeks emotionally - lots of small things, each adding up to one enormous emotional whirlwind. Being here is hard. I like it well enough, but I am lonely. Jason and I have made some friends, but none of them are my girlfriends. I couldn't sit with anyone of them and a bottle of wine, discussing the great mysteries of life. Not that I don't like the people here - I do - but deep conversations lose their depth when there is no common medium for communication. My closest friends right now are my children. I love that, but then I struggle with not seeing them enough...it's just a nasty little cycle.
It's a bump in the road. It's me being torn between being a mom first, and a teacher second. It's me learning to prioritize, to say yes to the right things and to know when enough is enough. It's me wanting to grab the kids and the husband and get lost on a beach somewhere, but instead, bearing down and trying to find a workable solution for the stickiness of life. I guess it's me trying to control the constant change that is life. A losing battle - just looking for the beautiful moments within.
This weekend was Lillian's 10 year old birthday celebration. We aren't home - in America - we're here where we don't have the same quality of friendship and family that we have previously experienced. I felt so much pressure to make her weekend good - her 10th birthday, on the 10th of September - her Golden Birthday. And, to my greatest and most unexpected pleasure, people rose to the occasion. I never thought that the people that came out to celebrate Lillian and make her feel special would. She received songs, hugs, and gifts from various people everywhere we went. She truly glowed each time. At the end of Sunday night, the night before her true birthday, she went to bed happy. So did I. Thank you to everyone at home in America and here, at home in Japan, that made Lily's weekend so special.
Monday, her actual birthday, was tough. My work schedule didn't allow me to spend anytime with her that day. It was a very heavy weight on me. Each time I thought of her, and me not being there, the weight became heavier until I finally broke. Half way through the day she called me, asking if I was still coming to her school with cupcakes as I had previously promised. I couldn't. I literally had no time, no emotional energy. Stack on more guilt.
At work that night Jason texted me a picture of Lily in her new birthday outfit from Gaga. Seeing this, I cried. Again. I was happy to see her, happy for the photo, and at the same time...more guilt. This grinding guilt of, what am I doing? We came here, to Japan, to be with our kids more. Here I am, not with my daughter, on her birthday. WTheck...
Jason and the kids picked me up from work. It was late - 9:10 on a school night, but we threw caution to the wind and went for a late dinner. After that, Lily cuddled in bed with me until we both fell asleep watching an amazing lighting storm and listening to a pretty rocking thunderstorm. It was a blessing at the end of a horrific day.
I know that the scheme of life is grand - that chances are Lillian isn't going to need any more therapy than any normal person for the fact that I missed her birthday. But, you know what? I still remember the very first day of kindergarten - I was too cool to have my mom walk me to the classroom. I didn't want to be the only kid with a mom there. Turns out, I was one of the only ones without one there. The next year, first grade, I begged my mom to walk me to the door. She didn't for what ever reason. It may be dumb, but I still tear up over that. I still have guilt and regret.
I think that her birthday was really just the icing on the cake for me - no pun intended there. It's been a tough few weeks emotionally - lots of small things, each adding up to one enormous emotional whirlwind. Being here is hard. I like it well enough, but I am lonely. Jason and I have made some friends, but none of them are my girlfriends. I couldn't sit with anyone of them and a bottle of wine, discussing the great mysteries of life. Not that I don't like the people here - I do - but deep conversations lose their depth when there is no common medium for communication. My closest friends right now are my children. I love that, but then I struggle with not seeing them enough...it's just a nasty little cycle.
It's a bump in the road. It's me being torn between being a mom first, and a teacher second. It's me learning to prioritize, to say yes to the right things and to know when enough is enough. It's me wanting to grab the kids and the husband and get lost on a beach somewhere, but instead, bearing down and trying to find a workable solution for the stickiness of life. I guess it's me trying to control the constant change that is life. A losing battle - just looking for the beautiful moments within.
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