Badges
I wear no badges. I am not a Christian. I am not a Catholic, a Muslim, or a Jew. I am not a Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual. I am not African American, Hispanic, or any other "minority". I am not a Democrat, Republican, or Independent. I am not a survivor or a Veteran; I was never even a Girl Scout. The only thing I am, the only thing I have ever been, is someone that matters to someone else. I have been a Daughter, Sister, Friend, a Wife and a Mother. That's it. That's all I am or have been. Even now, as I write this, I think that I might temporarily suspend "Daughter", "Sister" and "Friend" because the truth is, I am basically performing at a zero in those roles these days.
That leaves me with just two roles - Mom and Wife. When your duties are that simplified, that clear, you better do a damn good job at them. Without all the other stuff - the other badges and roles to distract me - I need to be doing my best at what I have. And so, I am. Now. I am now making the choices that need to be made, taking the actions that need to be taken to get me an A+ in my role. And you know what that makes me? Right now, it makes me the bad guy.
Stuff, minutia, crap. There are little things, many little things that make up our lives. The ups and the downs - all symptoms of living - they are the things that drive us to do what we do. So, my stuff added and added, and little by little I had too much stuff here and not enough there...somewhat long story made very short: I'm moving the kids to Tokyo. Simply put, they are not happy here. There has been trouble at school, absent parents that work the wrong hours, no friends, etc. Not what we came to Japan for at all. It's all in the name - Ostrer Simple Life - that has not been simple at all.
Deciding to leave was very difficult. There are so many little facets involved. I don't want to go there now - I'm still in the midst of it all and it is exhausting. But, the basic tenants are this:
-I am leaving a job that I actually really like, but, I'm leaving before my contract is up and giving less than the preferred amount of notice (2 weeks as opposed to 30 days). As a result of my quitting, I am pretty certain that I have burnt a pretty big bridge so to speak. Jason and I share a boss. He's great. The truth is, I'm not sure who loves him more, Jason or I. Me leaving puts him in a tight spot. Parents don't like it when the teacher their kids likes leaves. Principals in schools don't either. Believe it or not, I am liked. He has the difficult job of delivering the news that I'm leaving and being replaced. So, tough spot, my fault. Our friendship - highly combustible and completely uncertain at this point. I am the bad guy here. It doesn't matter why I am doing what I am doing. All the little ish (Yes, I meant ish. It's not a word but you know what I meant don't you...) that led up to me being willing to quit a job that I like, that doesn't matter. What has been said, planned, promised, none of that matters. Black and White. I'm leaving. And you know what? I even considered staying - continuing this ramshackle family life we are leading just to appease the boss and honor my contract - despite what the kids need. That doesn't matter either.
-Jason is staying. I am moving 450 miles away to Tokyo to offer my kids a better environment. They will go to an international school, taught almost entirely in English. I will be able to communicate with their teachers and actually know what is going on in their lives. All good - great - things. Jason is 100% supportive of this - he might actually be more on board than me. But, he's still staying. He feels honor and duty bound to fulfill his contractual commitments to our boss. In another world I would find that honorable. If I were an employer considering hiring him I would think his loyalty to be a highly moral characteristic. But, I'm not looking to hire him - I already did that 14 some years ago when I got on this ride. So, while I see the honor in his choice, I wonder why that, the job, get's higher priority than me and the kids. We will be apart for 5 months. That's a long time. This will be my first ever Thanksgiving, Birthday, or Christmas away from my mother and family, and now I will be away from him too. He and the kids are the only thing that make this whole experiment we are doing doable. So, again, I am the bad guy. I want him with us. I want him there everyday, seeing his kids, raising them, helping me digest the day and do the dishes. His choice not only keeps us apart, but it puts a pretty huge financial strain on us too. For what? The answer, as I see it, is for a job. Not a life-saving, super-hero, crime solving job. That I could maybe get more behind. So yeah, me, bad guy right here. I'm bad because I want what I want and I'll be so bold as to say it.
And you know what else? I don't want to go - not really. I would rather stay here. I'm not doing this for me. Were it not for the kids I wouldn't do it at all. It's going to be hard - hard as in I am going to want to board a plane for home. Being apart from my husband, and my best friend -its a giant sacrifice. It's a sacrifice we are both making for his job - he willingly, me much less so. Only 1 person has recognized that, or at least, outwardly so. Tonight, Lillian apologized to me for being in the way. She said that if it weren't for her and Jaxon we wouldn't have to move, and that she was sorry. Not what I want - I don't ever want her or Jax to apologize for existing. Ever. She's apologizing to me? It should be Jason and I apologizing to her. We are putting her in a situation that will keep her from her father for the bulk of 5 months. Who chooses that for their children? What I want is for Jason to come, but since I cannot have that, I want for the powers that be to look past the anger they feel toward me right now and say "Hey, thanks. It sucks that you're leaving, but, we really appreciate that you are supporting Jason's decision to stay behind temporarily. We value him and value the sacrifice that your family is making for our family business." I won't get that from them - not because it's them - but because they are human and we can only see our own truths. If our truth is anger it is really difficult to see much else. Right now my truth is me doing what is best for L and J. The ripples that causes - I am peripherally aware of them - but they are not what guides my vision now.
I have no hard feelings for the company that I am leaving - mostly fond ones actually. I just wish that me choosing to do my most important job - Mom - as best I can didn't make me feel like such a jerk.
That leaves me with just two roles - Mom and Wife. When your duties are that simplified, that clear, you better do a damn good job at them. Without all the other stuff - the other badges and roles to distract me - I need to be doing my best at what I have. And so, I am. Now. I am now making the choices that need to be made, taking the actions that need to be taken to get me an A+ in my role. And you know what that makes me? Right now, it makes me the bad guy.
Stuff, minutia, crap. There are little things, many little things that make up our lives. The ups and the downs - all symptoms of living - they are the things that drive us to do what we do. So, my stuff added and added, and little by little I had too much stuff here and not enough there...somewhat long story made very short: I'm moving the kids to Tokyo. Simply put, they are not happy here. There has been trouble at school, absent parents that work the wrong hours, no friends, etc. Not what we came to Japan for at all. It's all in the name - Ostrer Simple Life - that has not been simple at all.
Deciding to leave was very difficult. There are so many little facets involved. I don't want to go there now - I'm still in the midst of it all and it is exhausting. But, the basic tenants are this:
-I am leaving a job that I actually really like, but, I'm leaving before my contract is up and giving less than the preferred amount of notice (2 weeks as opposed to 30 days). As a result of my quitting, I am pretty certain that I have burnt a pretty big bridge so to speak. Jason and I share a boss. He's great. The truth is, I'm not sure who loves him more, Jason or I. Me leaving puts him in a tight spot. Parents don't like it when the teacher their kids likes leaves. Principals in schools don't either. Believe it or not, I am liked. He has the difficult job of delivering the news that I'm leaving and being replaced. So, tough spot, my fault. Our friendship - highly combustible and completely uncertain at this point. I am the bad guy here. It doesn't matter why I am doing what I am doing. All the little ish (Yes, I meant ish. It's not a word but you know what I meant don't you...) that led up to me being willing to quit a job that I like, that doesn't matter. What has been said, planned, promised, none of that matters. Black and White. I'm leaving. And you know what? I even considered staying - continuing this ramshackle family life we are leading just to appease the boss and honor my contract - despite what the kids need. That doesn't matter either.
-Jason is staying. I am moving 450 miles away to Tokyo to offer my kids a better environment. They will go to an international school, taught almost entirely in English. I will be able to communicate with their teachers and actually know what is going on in their lives. All good - great - things. Jason is 100% supportive of this - he might actually be more on board than me. But, he's still staying. He feels honor and duty bound to fulfill his contractual commitments to our boss. In another world I would find that honorable. If I were an employer considering hiring him I would think his loyalty to be a highly moral characteristic. But, I'm not looking to hire him - I already did that 14 some years ago when I got on this ride. So, while I see the honor in his choice, I wonder why that, the job, get's higher priority than me and the kids. We will be apart for 5 months. That's a long time. This will be my first ever Thanksgiving, Birthday, or Christmas away from my mother and family, and now I will be away from him too. He and the kids are the only thing that make this whole experiment we are doing doable. So, again, I am the bad guy. I want him with us. I want him there everyday, seeing his kids, raising them, helping me digest the day and do the dishes. His choice not only keeps us apart, but it puts a pretty huge financial strain on us too. For what? The answer, as I see it, is for a job. Not a life-saving, super-hero, crime solving job. That I could maybe get more behind. So yeah, me, bad guy right here. I'm bad because I want what I want and I'll be so bold as to say it.
And you know what else? I don't want to go - not really. I would rather stay here. I'm not doing this for me. Were it not for the kids I wouldn't do it at all. It's going to be hard - hard as in I am going to want to board a plane for home. Being apart from my husband, and my best friend -its a giant sacrifice. It's a sacrifice we are both making for his job - he willingly, me much less so. Only 1 person has recognized that, or at least, outwardly so. Tonight, Lillian apologized to me for being in the way. She said that if it weren't for her and Jaxon we wouldn't have to move, and that she was sorry. Not what I want - I don't ever want her or Jax to apologize for existing. Ever. She's apologizing to me? It should be Jason and I apologizing to her. We are putting her in a situation that will keep her from her father for the bulk of 5 months. Who chooses that for their children? What I want is for Jason to come, but since I cannot have that, I want for the powers that be to look past the anger they feel toward me right now and say "Hey, thanks. It sucks that you're leaving, but, we really appreciate that you are supporting Jason's decision to stay behind temporarily. We value him and value the sacrifice that your family is making for our family business." I won't get that from them - not because it's them - but because they are human and we can only see our own truths. If our truth is anger it is really difficult to see much else. Right now my truth is me doing what is best for L and J. The ripples that causes - I am peripherally aware of them - but they are not what guides my vision now.
I have no hard feelings for the company that I am leaving - mostly fond ones actually. I just wish that me choosing to do my most important job - Mom - as best I can didn't make me feel like such a jerk.
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