A Passing

The call came - the one that I predicted would come.  My brother called to tell me that my father had died.  It was Monday morning in Japan, Sunday evening here in the States.  Jason, the kids and I were sitting in our living room, surrounded by all our packed luggage, waiting four our taxi to take us on the first steps of our journey home.  He passed more quickly than any of us really expected, before I was able to come home.  He'd had lung cancer, brain cancer, and complications from the surgery to remove the tumors in his brain.  He wasn't ever well after the surgery, but the last straw for him was pneumonia.

I had no idea how I would feel when he died, and even now that he is gone I don't know how I feel.  I keep getting caught up in the sad emotion that now I have no dad, my dad is gone, I'll never see my dad again.  But, in all honestly, we were not close to begin with.  I hadn't need him in 16 years or so and wasn't planning to see him again.  I do have a dad, I have Skip, the man that has been my step -father and better dad than most since I was 9 years old.  But, the truth remains that I have lost a parent, a person that contributed greatly to who I am today.  I am sad, I am a little lost.

For a long as I can remember I've been doing a double take when ever I would see a man that even closely resembled my dad.  At the store, in the street, everywhere.  I'd see a man that could be him and have to stop and look again.  My heart would start to race for the breifest moment that I thought it could be him.  But, it was never him.  I did it just the other night as we waited for our baggage at the airport here in Seattle.  There was a man, I stopped to look.  It wasn't him of course as it will never be him now.

Thank you to everyone that was so supportive when I first shared that my dad was ill.  Now that he is gone the real work begins for me.  There has always been a part of me that has been waiting for him to find me and confess his wrongs, apologize to me, and acknowledge the damage he has caused to so many lives.  Of course the biggest part of me knew that would never happen.  In his passing I have to reconcile those parts of me, the honest, realistic part wins while the hopeful, happily-ever-after part losses.  I guess it's a small death on it's own.  I will wade through what ever comes my way in that fusing of my parts.  I am not really looking forward to all that, and I may sort of set all this aside for a while, as I just don't know that I am ready.  Will I ever be?  Not sure. I know that you all will be there for me whether I do this now or later.  Thank you for that too - just knowing that feels good.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Surgery

I started my period when I was 11 years old.  I remember going to the nurses office at school that day because my lower back hurt so badly.  It felt like nothing I had ever felt before, but was a feeling I would become quite familiar with.  Imagine there being a bowling ball inside your body, resting on your tail bone.  It causes pressure just sitting there.  That was a good day.  The bad days were when that bowling ball was being ground into my back - from the inside trying to find a way out.  Later, when laboring with Lily, that same feeling was there.  Lily was upside down and her head was resting on my tailbone.  The contractions that drove it deeper into the bone were killers.  So all those years of imagining my inner bowling ball were not that far off! In those first few years of cycling I would often seek out the hardest surface I could find and just lay on it, trying to flatten my back into it.  Our living room floor usual...
Read more

$$Tokyo$$

If you google the most expensive cities to live in worldwide you'll find Tokyo somewhere in the top 10.  I looked at a few last night and Tokyo was actually in the top 3 on 5 of the lists.  Now, one list claimed that you'd have to shell out $5,000 to get a 2 bedroom apartment in Tokyo.  I'm sure there are plenty of such apartments, but there are also less expensive ones so you can't believe everything you read. But, it is true.  Living here is very expensive.  We rent an 860 ft2 apartment for approximately $1100 a month.  If we want to rent a parking space that is another $115 a month.  Our utilities, including internet but with no cable, are over $400 a month.  All that for utilities and our apartment does not even have central air or heat!  Groceries, gas, train tickets, they all add up too of course.  Groceries vary in price from store to store and season to season, but it is not uncommon to see 4 apples for $6 or a quart of milk fo...
Read more

Parenting is not for the Timid - This is my Biggest and Worst

Parenting brings obstacles and challenges like none that we've ever dealt with before.  My first was when my son was born.  He was the most difficult baby I'd ever come across, and I got to be with him all the time .  I remember how defeated and discouraged I was, and how I thought to myself, "I can't do this.  I can't parent this child, make him happy, stay sane.  I don't even want to".  I didn't know how I was going to get through his infancy and this obstacle felt like the greatest obstacle of my life. We got through it, I got through it.  Time passed and allowed me to forget the depth of the struggle so that when the next challenge arose, that one felt like a new biggest and worst.  The new challenge was now the thing that was going to end all civilized thought in my head.  Again, we got through.  Time and again, challenges, the biggest and worst, have arisen.  Each time I have thought, "How? What am I supposed to do with this...
Read more