Inspiration

Yesterday, or the day before, marked two weeks that Jason, the kids, and I have been back in the US. We are here for an undetermined amount of time, waiting patiently (...sort of...) for our work Visas. We are living at my mother's house (who is in the process of packing to move in two weeks...) with nothing of our own. We are using her things, eating her food, driving her car. We homeless, feeling a little listless, and a lot pointless. It is hard to find inspiration in waiting. We have small tasks that we can work on each day - but nothing that actually creates momentum. All that we want each day is to receive that email that says our paperwork is on the way and that we will be returning to Japan soon. It is hard to sit here, in a holding pattern of sorts, just waiting to go back to living. Aside from not feeling any sense of accomplishment, there is a sense of slipping backward. We were gone only a month, but in that time a lot of adjusting happened. Lil had almost stopped asking to go home and the kids had begun to assimilate to a sort of routine in Japan. Our diets had changed and bodies had begun to adjust. Now, we have to start all over. This time we will have experience and may feel a few fewer growing pains, but ripping off the bandaid and walking away from loved ones, a second time, is going to be really, really tough.

There is a level of exhaustion that comes from doing nothing. We four Ostrers are all out of whack schedule-wise. Coming west is not easy, even after only a month away. Top that off with having a lot of idle time, and you end up wiped out. We are sleeping at off hours, and few at that. Then, we get up and have all day, or night, to ourselves. We can do whatever we want, all day. We have few goals, tasks, meetings. The most important thing we do each day is wait to go home. It sounds sad, and is really. We are simply, uninspired.

Today I shopped. Jason and Adam, another American-sent-home, saw movies. I went and looked for a little retail healing. I have to say, I think it may have worked a little. I do not shop the way that I used to to - I no longer buy things I don't really love and I think about every application there could be for an item before I buy it. Space, funds, and bandwidth (a Bartlett-ism!) are limited. Shopping was great, but, here's the greatest part - well, the two greatest. First - I didn't buy much! I went, I wanted, and I left behind. Pretty big deal for me. Second - I met someone. This wonderful woman was ringing me up for one of the things I did buy. She was sweet, genuine. At fifty she decided to follow her dream and go to law school. Now, two years in, she is working two jobs, going to school full-time, clerking for a judge, and being a mom to three grown children. She is happy. We chatted about doing the right thing, about following dreams, and about self-forgiveness, all stemming from a scarf I decided not to buy. She inspired me. She re-affirmed that moving to Japan was the right thing for me to do, and that this endless waiting is simply a step in the process. Her name was Roxanne. I needed to meet her today, to get a little rejuvenating gust behind me.

I'm off to bed now, but only after I check my email one more time. You never know, maybe there is a note letting me know our papers are on the way. : )